The Quote Thread

[David Paleg]

If you can read this, my cloaking device is on the fritz.

My ship came in. Naturally it was the Kobayashi Maru.

If you were a phaser, you'd be set on "stunning".

Sometimes I feel like a red shirt in the Star Trek episode of life.

Mr. Spock, why doesn't our Starfleet communicator come with a color camera, video and MP3 player?

Spock, the women on your planet are logical. No other planet in the galaxy can make that claim. - James T. Kirk

“Fascinating" is a word I use for the unexpected. "Interesting" shall suffice here. - Spock

The worst thing that can happen to humanity is for all of us to begin to look and talk and act and think alike. - Gene Roddenberry

Let's make sure history never forgets the name Enterprise. - Captain Jean-Luc Picard

To hell with the Prime Directive. Let's go kill something!

Sorry Meg, Daddy loves you very much, but Daddy also loves Star Trek. And in all fairness, Star Trek was here first. - Peter Griffin, Family Guy

[Bob Campbell]

"Captain, there be whales here". Scotty

"Bill Shatner is a jerk". James Doohan ( interview on Super 102, 1992)

[David Paleg]

From Jay Leno's last Tonight Show monologue:

"17 years. I'd like to thank all the people who made it all possible: Michael Jackson, Monica Lewinsky, Bill Clinton..."

"When I started this show, my hair was black and the president was white."

"When we started this show, John and Kate were both eight. Did you know that? They were eight."

"The only thing that did not change in 17 years? The Clippers still suck. That has remained a constant from the beginning."

"It was nostalgic coming into the lot this morning, because we've got the same security guard at the gate the whole time. He said the same thing to me that he has said every day for 17 years. 'You are?' "

"I tell ya, NBC has been nothing but great today. Jeff Zucker called me. They said, 'For forty bucks you can purchase the robe that's hanging in my room.' "

"And here's something. And this is kind of silly. I am almost embarrassed to mention this. I was cleaning out my office today. I find OJ's knife. I had it the whole time. I'm so stupid. I had it the whole time."

"People ask me, 'what are you gonna do after the last show? You gonna go on vacation?' This kinda stuff. Actually, I'm gonna go to a secluded spot where no one is gonna find me. NBC prime time. "

"And folks. We're not actually leaving. We're coming back at ten o' clock in September. It's a gamble. It's a gamble. I'm betting everything NBC will still be around in three months. That is not a given!"

"As you know, President Obama was here in Los Angeles this week to bring his message of change, his message of change to Hollywood. And really, is there is any place in America that loves change more than Hollywood, the place that brought you four Terminator sequals, ten Police Academy films, and 29 Star Trek films. This town runs on new and innovative ideas, ladies and gentlemen. That's what it's all about."

[cgarison]

Conan O'Brien on his first Tonight Show:

"I think I've timed this move perfectly. I'm on a last-place network, I moved to a state that's bankrupt and 'The Tonight Show' is sponsored by General Motors."

"I remember watching Johnny Carson when I was a kid and thinking: That's what I want to be when I grow up. I'm sure right now in America there is likely a kid watching me, thinking: 'What is wrong with that man's hair?'"

David Letterman's Response on his show:

"I'm still here. I knocked off another competitor."

[David Paleg]

Since Summer starts this weekend, you might enjoy these quotes:

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken. ~ James Dent (1928 – 1992), Charleston (WV) Gazette columnist

Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability. ~ Sam Keen

Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it. ~ Russel Baker

Do what we can, summer will have its flies. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want. ~ Calvin from “Calvin and Hobbes”

Summer is the topsy-turvy season when the goldfish have to be boarded out while the family goes on a fishing trip. ~ Unknown

And my favorite...

The Spring has sprung
The Fall has fell
The Summer is here
And it’s hotter than… usual. ~ Nipsey Russell (1918 – 2005), The Poet Laureate of Television

[SHADOW]

"We have met the enemy... and he is us". Walt Kelly, creator of "Pogo".

[Scott Reppert]

I know I've used most of them on here in my signatures before, but:

"Cheese has no flavor if you can't smell it"--Shemp Howard

"Nobody ever lends money to a man with a sense of humor"--Peter Tork

"Who's baby is that? What's your angle? I'll buy that"--Fred Flintstone

"You're talkin' gibberish!"--Steve Zahn

"Had it been me in that motel room instead of Bob Crane, I would have
opted for a couple of quarters' worth of 'Magic Fingers' and lived to tell about it"--Scott Reppert

[Jet Black]

"Make me a sargeant and charge the booze! Make me a sargeant and charge the booze!" --- Old Drunk in Them!

[Hoosier Daddy]

Translators are a Pox on the FM radio dial.
-Hoosier Daddy

[David Paleg]

In time for the new semester, here are quotes about school.
(You will be tested about this later.)

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years. - Gracie Allen

In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards. - Mark Twain

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did. - Jeff Foxworthy

When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most important will be illegible. - First Law of Applied Terror

The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure you are as to which answer they want. - Second Law of Applied Terror

80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture you missed and the one book you didn't read. - Third Law of Applied Terror

Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course. - Fourth Law of Applied Terror

The night before the English History mid-term, your biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. - Corollary to the Fourth Law of Applied Terror

If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. - Fifth Law of Applied Terror

If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. - Corollary to the Fifth Law of Applied Terror

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window. - Rodney Dangerfield

I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up. - Lenny Bruce

My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary section. - Norm Crosby

Thank goodness I was never sent to school; it would have rubbed off some of the originality. - Beatrix Potter

There are only two places in the world where time takes precedence over the job to be done: school and prison. – William Glasser

If the Romans had been obliged to learn Latin, they would never have found time to conquer the world. – Heinrich Heine

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy. – Woody Allen

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers. – Woody Allen

Education is a progressive discovery of your own ignorance. – Will Durant

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. – Albert Einstein

Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten. – B. F. Skinner

If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers. - Edgar W. Howe

My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years. - Paul Merton

We all learn by experience but some of us have to go to summer school. - Peter De Vries

But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret. - Ronald Reagan

In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends. - David Spade

My mother tells this story that when I first went to school, I thought I was going to help the teachers. I didn't realize I was going to get educated. - Moon Unit Zappa

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. - Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

I never did very well in math—I could never seem to persuade the teacher that I hadn't meant my answers literally. - Calvin Trillin

I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did. - Yogi Berra

You can get all A's and still flunk life. - Walker Percy

As long as teachers give tests, there will always be prayer in schools. - Unknown

[cgarison]

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. – Albert Einstein

It is funny that I have said for years that I was a creative genius until I went to school and learned creativity was wrong.

[David Paleg]

Santa is our culture's only mythic figure truly believed in by a large percentage of the population. It's a fact that most of the true believers are under eight years old, and that's a pity. - Chris Van Allsburg

Democracy is only a dream: it should be put in the same category as Arcadia, Santa Claus, and Heaven. - H. L. Mencken

All the world is happy when Santa Claus comes.- Maud Lindsay

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

I actually share her view and understand her frustration when any government attempts to ban secular symbols like Santa Claus or Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer or Christmas lights. - Steve Israel

In this age of instant coffee, overnight rush deliveries, and 30-second media sound bites, it's not surprising that children have discovered that their letters to Santa Claus can be sent by email. - Patrick Flaherty

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven. - W.C. Fields

A good many things go around in the dark besides Santa Claus. - Herbert Hoover

I hear how kids wise up to the Santa Claus routine but pretend otherwise because the goods seem connected to keeping their parents' fantasies flowing. I've seen the parents trying to pretend for the same reason -- not because otherwise the gifts stop, but to maintain the innocence a little longer -- even when both sides know the other side knows. - Carol Bonomo

I think we have to believe in things we don't see. That's really important for all of us, whether it's your religion or Santa Claus, or whatever. That's pretty much what it's about. - James Caan

When Tim Allen made The Santa Clause, I thought that was a delightful film. It took a modern sensibility but layered onto it a kind of sentiment. - Leonard Maltin

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark. - Dick Gregory

Alas! How dreary would be the world if there was no Santa Claus!... There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. - Francis P. Church

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. - Steven Wright

I'm going to North Pole to help out Santa this year. - Jimmy Fallon

Whenever you give someone a present or sing a holiday song, you're helping Santa Claus. To me, that's what Christmas is all about. Helping Santa Claus! - Louis Sachar

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin

Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip. - Gary Allan

You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town - Haven Gillespie

[David Paleg]

Some more summer quotes to go with the ones from two years ago:

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. ~ Georg Carlin

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach. ~ Stephen Wright

The alternative to a vacation is to stay home and tip every 3rd person you see. ~ Wanda Sykes

"Is it any accident that National Lazy Day, Relaxation Day, Deadwood Day, and Failures Day are commemorated in August?" ~ David Plotz

[Scott Reppert]

"Tell me, is it as warm in the summer as it is in the country, or vice versa?"--Jerome Howard, 1941.

[Jay Nunley]

"Fuck Ohio State." --Jay Nunley

[David Paleg]

Thanksgiving Quotes from various web pages:

May your stuffing be tasty, may your turkey be plump. may your potatoes 'n gravy have nary a lump, may your yams be delicious, may your pies take the prize, may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!!!

An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day. - Irv
Kupcinet

The pilgrims made seven times more graves than huts... nevertheless, set
aside a day of thanksgiving. - H. W. Westermayer

On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence. - William Jennings Bryan

I love Thanksgiving turkey... it's the only time in Los Angeles that you
see natural breasts. - Arnold Schwarzenegger

Thanksgiving, man! Not a good day to be my pants. - Kevin James

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in
twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. -
Erma Bombeck

It was dramatic to watch my grandmother decapitate a turkey with an ax the
day before Thanksgiving. Nowadays the expense of hiring grandmothers for
the ax work would probably qualify all turkeys so honored with gourmet
status. - Russell Baker

Coexistence... what the farmer does with the turkey - until Thanksgiving.
- Mike Connolly

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of
sorrow. - Rita Rudner

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in
my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed
them and took their land. - Jon Stewart

<<< And one of my favorite quotes of the holiday... >>>

"As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!!!" - Arthur Carlson
(Gordon Jump), station manager of WKRP.

[CoolBreeze]

I see it was a long night at the motel.

[David Paleg]

Actually, I was off last night. And not allowed to use the work computers for personal web use like message boards. I post this stuff in case someone on here might want to use any of it for filler. If you don't like it, please let me know. I might go back to a hobby as suggested on another thread.

[Scott Reppert]

I see it was a long night at the motel.

For a second I thought you were talking to Dana Holgorsen...

[David Paleg]

New Year's quotes

Jay Leno
Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight
people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met
your New Year's resolution.

Jay Leno
New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course,
those tests come back positive.

Benjamin Franklin
Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors and let every new
year find you a better man.

Mark Twain
New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to
anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and
humbug resolutions.

Anonymous
People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New
Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the
New Year and Christmas.

W.H. Auden
The only way to spend New Year's Eve is either quietly with friends or in
a brothel. Otherwise when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is
bound to be left in tears.

Brooks Atkinson
Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it
was imperfect, and thank God that it can go.

Bill Vaughan
Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age
is when you're forced to.

P. J. O'Rourke
The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This
drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss
the person you're married to.

James Agate
New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does
not encourage them to take up more of my time.

Eric Zorn
Making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self assessment and repentance
that demands personal honesty and, ultimately, reinforces humility.
Breaking them is part of the cycle.

Bill Vaughan
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist
stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

Charles Lamb
New Year's Day is every man's birthday.

Oprah Winfrey
Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right.

Mark Twain
New Year's Day… now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good
resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

Judith Crist
Happiness is too many things these days for anyone to wish it on anyone
lightly. So let's just wish each other a bile-less New Year and leave it
at that.

Anonymous
Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.

Joey Adams
May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!

Anais Nin
I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of
criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event
for me.

Oscar Wilde
Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have
no account.

Robert Paul
I'm a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but
still none the wiser.

Anonymous
A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other.

Leonard Bernstein
From New Year's on the outlook brightens; good humor lost in a mood of
failure returns. I resolve to stop complaining.

G. K. Chesterton
The object of a New Year is not that we should have a new year. It is that
we should have a new soul and a new nose; new feet, a new backbone, new
ears, and new eyes. Unless a particular man made New Year resolutions, he
would make no resolutions. Unless a man starts afresh about things, he
will certainly do nothing effective. Unless a man starts on the strange
assumption that he has never existed before, it is quite certain that he
will never exist afterwards. Unless a man be born again, he shall by no
means enter into the Kingdom of Heaven.