The Official John Conrad 2012 Presidential Headquarters

[Scott Reppert]

Well, where do I even begin? I guess I should say that since my promotions team has taken the time and made the effort to learn to spell the word caucus in a manner that does not offend anyone, I, John Conrad am announcing my candidacy for President of The United States of America. Yes, I know 2008 was a bit of a let down, but then again so were "7-Up Gold" and The Floaters reunion tour.

You see what kind of shape the country is in: kids at carnivals are affected by over inflation, Yu Darvish is the only foreign trade policy that makes sense, Grit is online and not on the street corner and all we hear is Lady GaGa. These times call for positive action on the part of someone willing to step up and do something. Someone needs to grab the bull by the horns and pray the Chicago police look the other way.

I know what you are thinking right off the bat: that since I did not win in '08, I'm a loser. Well, folks, that phrase made John Lennon a lot of money and look where he is now. In fact, I am not a loser...just look at my ColecoVision statistics. I believe I deserve another shot at this thing and after that I should keep getting more shots at the White House for however many attempts it takes to get me in there... as long as I don't start seeing dancing canaries on a stolen train car after having had so many shots.

Going back to that 2008 campaign, you may remember that one of the biggest stumbling blocks was finding a suitable running mate. There are many different ways you could go with this, but as they say: "When in Littleton, do as the Littletonians do". In other words: make every possible attempt to get out. So that is what I need to do. Get out...and find someone that is capable of being my running mate. And seeing how Steve Prefontaine is dead and, in fact, I do not get out much...I will have to make my decision from here in the North Compound.

Yes, and now a question from the man from DuMont...

I have thought about filling out my staff by way of the Hollywood casting couch...BUT ONLY if my handlers assure me that it is, in fact, a Broyhill. Then, of course, you could go by way of just looking around and seeing who is available and needs a gig. I don't think Zoot Horn Rollo, Beulah The Buzzer, Gilbert Gottfried or Kevin Evans are currently busy.

So now it is on to the topics that we, as Americans, are faced with every day. The controversial subjects. The lingering debates. The back and forth, give and take issues that, when discussed, resemble the spinning of Martina Navratilova's head while standing at the foot of a Skeeball machine. And now, let's look at those topics...

1. I don't know what you people think, but as far as I'm concerned racism is alive and well in our country today. Just look
at the popularity of NASCAR.

2. As for our relationship with North Korea, there is a simple and solid solution: whip out the Flowbee and throw on some
Allman Brothers.

3. You want change? You really want change? Do what I do: look under the car seat and couch cushions. There's gotta
be at least seven bucks down there.

4. So that our current government structure starts to look nothing like current government structure, I propose that
we revert back to names and titles of times long past. In other words, "The Earl will see you now".

5. The FDA will finally be given the time, finances and every needed resource to battle the battle that they should have
been battling all these years: "Mystery Meat". Ever order a pizza and ask yourself, "Is that REALLY sausage"? Have
you ever spent more than thirty seconds pondering what actually is on that stick at the Chinese buffet? I will fill you
in more on this matter of utmost importance as soon as we break ground for the "Hasil Adkins Research Complex".
This will end up being a pork barrel project for West Virginia, seeing as how it will probably be located near Madison. But
then again, is that REALLY a barrel?

6. Folks, can I bare my soul here? I cry myself to sleep almost every night. ALL those schools STILL need a Fry Daddy.

7. Looking over toward our friends at the EPA, I have some great news. You have wanted a leader that was all about
looking into new ways and means of keeping our country running without damaging the natural surroundings that
God created for us to have. Well, if you've wondered what I've been doing for the past four years I'll tell ya: research
on navel lint. Now we just have sink more funds in to research on how breed more innies.

8. You know what? I'm glad that the eagle is a symbol of American freedom. I really am. And besides that: I say we give
extra incentive to illegal aliens to come forth and become U.S. citizens in the proper manner. You know, like giving them
each a black light. And if that's not enough, we'll throw in an autographed 8x10 of Al DeRogatis.

9. I believe that we should make it financially feasible for every American citizen to make a once in a lifetime pilgrimage
to the Guggenheim. Man, I love Frank Fontaine.

10. Concerning the rebuilding of the infrastructure of this here United States, I would say that there are a few options...
some of which are extremely radical...that may get the jobs done sooner and and in a more cost effective manner than
the ideas that many of my co-candidates have come up with. With such grand plans for successful rebuilding and
modernization on the horizion, I immediately call upon IDEAL to being making the Erector Set again and have asked my
Secretary to call Rudy Zaccagnini every twenty minutes.

11. They told me my numbers were up in the "Borscht Belt". I wondered why my pants were wet.

12. Many folks have expressed the fact that they are tired of "big government". Well, you know what? I am, too. A lot of
people feel that positions and payroll should be trimmed as soon as possible...and I am right there with them saying,
"Wow, baby. Shave it". That is why I am proposing this revolutionary new idea for the top level of U.S. Government:
ONE CABINET, ONE MEMBER. That should free up some cash so we can pick up some extra Pocket Fisherman's and a
couple pounds of nice brisket.

Well, there you have it. Why should I ramble on any further? We all know what the solution is to every issue I have brought to
your attention above: four hundred ninety seven and a half feet of rope.

It is now up to you. Four more years of what you have already had four years of or four years of The Fantastic Johnny C. I know it's it a hard decision...just like Outback or a 7-11 burrito...but I know you will choose correctly this coming November. Just remember two things for me as you head out to vote on Election Day 2012: "Hussein does not begin with Q" and I promise fresh batteries and baby oil for everyone. WTCS now concludes another day of broadcasting...

[jag]

Mr. Candidate: What is your opinion about Asian-made sweater vests?