The Night Before Christmas (Legally)

[Scott Reppert]

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS (LEGALLY...)

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did
occur at a certain improved piece of real property
(hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all
creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stockings, socks, etc., had
been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the
hope and/or belief that St. Nick aka St. Nicholas aka Santa
Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime
thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e., the children, of the
aforementioned House were located in their individual beds
and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e., dreams,
wherein visions of confectionery treats, including, but not
limited to, candies, nuts, and/or sugar plums, did dance,
cavort, and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter
referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of
the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter
"Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period
of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various
forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did
occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and
appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain
disruption of unknown nature, cause, and/or circumstance.
The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window
in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with
some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh
(hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very
rapidly through the air by approximately eight [8] reindeer.
The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be, and in fact was,
the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction,
and guidance to the approximately eight [8] reindeer and
specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name:
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and
Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and
belief, it is further asserted that an additional
co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle,
and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the
roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the
vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was
heavily laden with packages, toys, and other items of
unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation
or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle
arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the
chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially
covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a
large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned
packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what
appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation
of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the
stockings of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the
chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did
not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to
the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his
nose and flew, rose, and/or ascended up the chimney of the
House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or
served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an
unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer, and
Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear
Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to
all a good night!" Or words to that effect.

[jag]

Just guessing here...

Was this written by the "John Conrad For President" speech writer?

[Scott Reppert]

Just guessing here...

Was this written by the "John Conrad For President" speech writer?

You think Conrad would have someone THAT smart on his staff? If that was the case, he would ALREADY be President!

It was, er, tweaked by that person, though...

[jag]

Thanks for clearing that up, Scott. I wondered what William F. Buckley, Jr. has been doing, lately.

[David Paleg]

http://cfcl.com/vlb/Cuute/f/nocturnal_segment.txt
An Intellectual Christmas

http://www.bigdandbubba.com/nicknacks/nascar-xmas.htm
A Nascar Christmas

http://myuseless-info.com/uxmasredneck.html
A Redneck Christmas

http://genealogy.about.com/library/blchristmaseve.htm
A Genealogist's Christmas

http://www.dezert-rose.com/humor/christ ... texas.html
A Texas Christmas

http://homeparents.about.com/library/weekly/qsanta.htm
A Mom's Christmas

http://plancksconstant.org/blog1/2007/1 ... ukkah.html
Twas the night before Hanukkah